long time no type..
 i hate everything and everyone. done.

 i dont believe in love, by any means. but i feel for you as close to love as i will let myself believe in and it hurts SO much. the second they broke up, i knew it wouldnt be the same anymore, i knew you would start talking to her again and not talk to me as much. shes my friend and i love her, but at the same time i HATE her because shes everything you want and everything im not. that makes me sad. you said those things to me about how you need me and how im one of the best friends youve ever had. yeah, okay. im sorry if im souding like a bitch but you cant say these things then not live up to them. i feel my heart breaking. the nothingness is coming back again. the only thing keeping me alive this long is you because i would never do that to you. one more thing in my life that so much as fucks with my mind, the knife is going deeper, and you can count on it. my heart has been shattered once before, but this might be the worst because you are the only thing that makes me happy. even music has been making me irritable. i dont know what to do, who to talk to, where to go. im lost. snd i need you to help me like im always there to help you. im sorry.                                                                           

used to rejection 09..
 i told vinnie. crash and burn. what else is new? lovin life!.. nawt. cut again, still dont feel SHIT. im pissed. i hate my life. like honestly, my life does NOT suck. but there is just something with in me that has to go. it is eating me from the inside out and i cant do this. i'm done.

 ok so im in a dliema. and a slightly large one in fact. i like vinnie. i like vinnie a lot. not only that,but hes off limits since casey dated him. idk what to do. hes such a good friend and i feel like i fi tell him, it would just be weird. if i dont, then ill just be sad all the time. hes still hung up on meghan anyway. so i would just be wasting my time. like i know he doesnt like me like that, but hes just.. so different. idk theres somethingabout him, almosst a charlie bartlett factor. everything lately has just been so blaaah. first off, i stole a fucking lighter from seven eleve. and honest to god..out of impulse. it was just there. and now im buggin because jen latteri got ccaught and shes fucked. a lighter>! a fucking lighter, i dont even need a lighter. why the fuck would i take a lighter. whats wrong with matches? i dont even need matches! i dont need any of it! im buggin out. ughughugh i hate life.


 so upstate newyork was SO much fun. thank you sososososooo much maranda. the pictures came out great it was so beautiful up there. the house we stayed in was AMAZING it kind of reminded me of the Cullen's house form the twilight movie :P. school hasnt really gotten anybetter, i still don't have many friends.. only a few. i miss my rbc friends a lot but hey, what can ya do? im failing geometry.. there goes a career in surgery.  ive been talking to vinnie like a lot lately. he is inlove with meghan and it makes me sad to see him not able to be her boyfriend. one day though, maybe hell tell her how he feels. if he told her what he tells me, shed have a heart attack. he's like.. edward cullen with what he says. hahaha. i love him hes such a good friend.  cameron has turned into shaunas bitch and it pisses me off cause thats SO not him. my first homecoming dance was a fucking joke. everyone was so dressed up and i went in a cotton dress and old leggings from the gap.. level lower on my highschool social status, awesome <3. i saw the movie Garden State for the first time the other day and it has become one of my new favorite movies, its so so good you should see it. i asked marnie about meds and she told me to talk to my mom and i did. she said shed think about it. thats good right? gaah life haha.

 so tomorrow, i am going to windham in upstate new york with maranda for october fest. i am SOO excited. we're staying all weekend and hopefully i can get some good pictures. i have never been upstate so this is gonna be really cool. aah i cant wait!

 dan falco and cousin joey died this week. two i none week. that makes this year's death tole 5 as far as i know. i can't stop crying right now. i don't think any one understands my survivors guilt right now. dan didn't deserve this! i know i didn't know you dan, i know we talked on myspace once, but you didn't deserve this. i am so sorry. so so so sorry. it should have happened to me that night, not you. i can not express how sorry i am. it didn't work i am so sorry. and joey i love you. everyone misses you. stay strong amina, everything will be ok <3333                                                                                                                   

bitch, please.
 kaitlin feaster, learn to keep your mouth fucking shut. you got me out of the school, made me miserable, wrecked me mentally/emotionally, i think youve made your point. youve won. MOVE ON. oh and if youre gonna talk shit, do it in a way that i won't find out dumb bitch. i hope you know how much stress and pain you have put me and my family through, fuck you. i wish you hell and worse.
oh and p.s.
the day you get seriously injured will be the happiest day of my life. good fucking luck.


 so my mom is forcing me back to therapy with marnie. ive been pissed lately so i guess its ok but i really dont want to go back and explain myself to someone that doesnt know me and pretends to care. i really really don't want to go. i can cope bymyself, not with a stranger.


 school at rbr has officially started. i hate it. i miss my friends and rbc. i didnt want to leave rbc but there was a series of complications. ive been more depressed than usual lately and ive been thinking a lot about a certain thing hat i dont want to think about, but it comes with the depression and i cant help it. i havent spoken to adam in about three weeks and its getting me a little upset. i felt like he was the person i could go to to talk about stuff with, and he wouldnt judge. i dont know what the deal is but its making me really upset. i gave up on my diet and im thinking about asking my doctor about a weight management pill.. its worth a try. that and also im considering an anti depressent even though i have refused from the start. so far i have two friends at rbr.. skye and camilla.. both of which are lesbians.... true. i cried for the first time in months the other night, and when i started crying i got so happy.. mainly because i couldnt cry until that point. i dont remember why i started crying, but i did and it felt amazing. the empty feeling i have is still there and hasnt gone away. my friend said that the emptiness is the depression,, i guess shes right. oh, by the way, sorry i havent written in a while, ive been kinda busy. i havent updated my flickr in 2 days, but ill just do it this weekend. speaking of this weekend, im going to the pony on friday with lairen to see the rapture. im so excited, i love them. anyway, i guess ill adjust to rbr, but i dont know yet.. whatever,.



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